Tuesday, 12 October 2010

Twilight Saga, Eclipse -s my will to Live

When I first watched Twilight in 2008, I did so because my brother told me it was actually quite good but mainly because it had vampires in it.

Honestly, it's really good.  Its Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants good!
Never one to pass up the chance to crumble under the weight of society’s peer-pressure I sat down to watch it on DVD a few months after it had been in cinemas and had created a massive popular cultural movement amongst its fan base.

Yay Vampires!  Its impossible to make Vampires boring and uncool.

1 hour in:  Nothing much is happening...  But i'm sure things will pick up soon.

2 hours in:  I'm so bored!  He climbed a tree and thats it.  KILL ME!  TAKE AWAY THE PAIN.
It’s hard to say just how stupid and sucky Twilight actually was.  As far as I could tell, these creatures (The Cullen family) were vampire in name only.  Every single vampire law had been changed or written out completely in order to fit in with the author’s vision.  It does of course beg the question, why call them vampires to start with, why not create your own, new supernatural beings that you can attribute any powers to without going against the long established rules of a vampirism?

As bad as I thought Twilight was, I was pretty sure it couldn’t get any worse.  2 hours of looking at each other and running around in the forest.  It couldn't get any worse than that could it?  I honestly believe that Twilight is the worst thing in the history of the world ever. 

That was what I thought until I saw New Moon.

After 2 years, the pain begins to fade and you begin to think that maybe all these “Twi-hards” might like this crap for a reason.  So on a dark, rainy, dull Monday evening, I saw New Moon looking out from your monitor as I scaned movie titles for something to watch.  Can’t be that bad right?  Can’t be any worse than the first movie??

How wrong I was.

I've forgotten what suffering and pain feel like.  I think it felt like orange peel.
I settled in and immediately started to regret my decision to watch this junk.  A 30 year old man plays a 17 year old boy who is actually a 100 year old vampire.  The creepy old git gets it on with a real 17 year old girl in what can only be described as the world’s first Paedophile/Necrophilia relationship.

Ewww!  Not so sexy and cool now is it.
All this would be bad enough but ol’ man Edward soon leaves the movie after throwing his girlfriend through a glass table in order to protect her from the unwelcome advances of his blonder, stupider brother.  Maybe next time just take her out the room eh?

Thereafter Edward only really appears in the movie as a ghostly Obi-Wan style apparition for the most part.

"Bella, you must go the the Dagobah System..."
The attention of Bella’s affections turns to a pug-nosed dog boy steroid monster called Jacob.  Not only is Jacob a werewolf, but it also appears that he is also a “never-nude”.  The heartbreaking affliction made famous by Tobias Funke.  For the entire movie dog boy wonders around in his blue jean cut offs, flexing his man boobs as Bella strings him along while she gets over her glitter afflicted ex-beau.

The rarest of all mythical creatures, the "never nude" werewolf.
Bella displays classic bitch female behaviour as she uses Jacob and his affection for her as a hobby until Edward comes back on the scene. 

All the while she is surrounded by actual teenagers who actually act and behave like teenagers, but again she just uses these people as some form of entertainment while she waits for Eddie.  In an even more dickish move, Bella agrees to go out on a date with normal, dorky school chum Mike Newton, probably the closest thing to an actual teenager in the entire crappy movie.  Since it isn’t enough to mess with every man’s head within a 30 mile radius she decides to also invite Jacob along on their date, maybe hoping that he and Mike will battle for her affection.  But since she doesn’t really “like like” either of them, it’s all rather pointless anyway.

The rest of the movie consists of Bella and Edward running through a forest looking like they have been in an explosion at a glitter factory.  I forget how it ends, but I think dog boy and Edward agree that Bella is a bitch and that she is only good as a light snack before dinner.

There of course remains just one question..

Team Edward?

Team Jacob?


  1. Brilliant! I seriously could not stop laughing. This is EXACTLY what I was thinking about these movies too! I'm going to tell everyone I know about this post. Sheer. Brilliance!

  2. Thanks Crystal. You're too kind!