Mountain Biking My Way To A Torn Muscle

You get to a certain age and all of a suddenly things start to go wrong with your body.  No matter how much junk food and sweet, sweet sugar you may have denied yourself due to some media created lie about how if you look after your body, it will in turn last longer than everyone else’s, allowing you to bury and outlive (and in effect “win” at life) every smug son of a bitch you know.  But no matter how much you exercise, or how carefully you eat, sooner or later your body will stab you in the heart like some soulless bitch.

It may be a small, almost unnoticeable changes at first, such as a grey hair or two or maybe an extra wrinkle.  But no big whop right?  That’s why they invented hair dye and double standards regarding men and skin care.  Men who are rugged and have a few extra lines (think Clint Eastwood) look badass and cool, whereas women who are wrinkled and worn are shunned and generally looked upon by society something like that bad guy who drove into a vat of chemicals at the end of Robocop.

BAD ASS and ASS FACE

However being fairly fit and active has always been a big deal for me.  Physically I feel no different now than to how I felt at 18.  That was up until a few weeks ago.  I recently decided to take up mountain biking again after a 15 year absence, and while it is true that you never forget how to ride a bike, what they don’t tell you is that you do forget how bloody hard it is.  But none the less I soldered on and after a few weeks I was up to cycling 15 miles in one day!

Cycling is FUN and I get to eat bugs!!

Somethings wrong...  I feel something

tearing in two!  My body, my beautiful supple body. It has been torn in twain!!

That something being a muscle in my abdomen tearing in two.  The funny thing being when a muscle tears in this area, it allows the stuff packed in behind it to make a break for freedom!  So while I’m freaking out about the torn muscle and generally distracted by the situation, my lower colon sees this golden opportunity and begins operation “Gust Bust”.  

Freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeedom!

Thankfully it didn’t get very far.  About 1cm out before they came up against my skin perimeter fence, but in my book any attempt by you colon to exit your body isn’t a good thing.  I found out that this is called a hernia and requires surgery to fix.  Or as I like to refer to it, a “procedure”.   

In my head, this “procedure” is just a step up from simple everyday procedures that we all take for granted. 

I will now show a sliding scale of how serious I believe this surgery to be. 

1. A Haircut. The most common and safest "Procedure"

2. A Tooth Filling. A fairly straight forward and safe "Procedure".

3.  Your a hairdresser!  Please stop cutting me!!!!

I refuse to accept that my body is slowly falling apart and have decided instead to list it as one of those body things that don’t really matter and happens to everyone now and again, such a pimple or mouth ulcer.  I am master of my domain and it shall obey me or suffer my wrath!