Someone, can’t be bothered to check who, once said that “I love the whooshing sound a deadline makes as it goes flying past.” That pretty much sums up my work ethic. I’ve always thought, why do something now when I can do it at a later point in a half assed attitude. Probably five minutes before the do or die period when I start crapping myself.
As with this blog, I’ve had several ideas recently that I have not followed through on and now these moments have passed and left me with a load of material that people are bored to death with already. But you know what, screw it. I figure I’m going to get on that damn band wagon (what the hell is a band wagon anyway??) and squeeze the last few precious drops of life out of recent cultural landmarks.
Since everyone else has had plenty of fun and success ripping off these people, I see no reason why I shouldn't also. Granted I won't be the first and will most likely be the last, but better late than never right
Charlie Sheen's Mental Breakdown
Yep, that's right. I'm starting with the big one. The meltdown that was so popular a few weeks back that it spawned a series of its own catchphrases and viral videos. This particular event was ripe for parody and I had this whole series of stories lined up where I enter the “Charlie Sheen First Church of Winning-ication.”
It was to feature a series of sketches where I get indoctrinated into the Holy Church of Charlie:
“Tiger Blood transfer sessions”
“I'm different. I have a different constitution, I have a different brain, I have a different heart. I got tiger blood, man. Dying's for fools, dying's for amateurs.”
“Adonis and your DNA”
|"I have Adonis DNA" Charlie Sheen|
“Face Melting Drug Use”
|"I am on a drug, it's called 'Charlie Sheen.' It's not available because if you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body." Charlie Sheen|
Sadly Charlie Sheen pretty much ruined all of this by spoofing himself and his own message before the ink on the original quotes had even dried. Countless “Winning Cooking Shows” and stunts where he played up to his public image and drank bottles of “Tiger Blood” sadly took all the fun out of mocking him. I don't know if Charlie actually believes what he is selling or if he is just going along for the ride and maybe wearing the joke a little bit too thin, but either way I have missed my window of opportunity to spoof this amazing period of instant classic quotes and “oh my god, did he just say that?” public curiosity.
But as popular as Charlie Sheen has been, he pales into nothingness when compared with the epic popularity and jokeability of my next missed opportunity.
Rebecca Black: Friday!
For those of you who have been living under a rock or have had your governments cut off your internet connection in the last few months as you attempt political revolution, you really don't know what you have missed here.
Rebecca Black was just another 13 year old on Youtube who decided it would be fun to make a song and post it online.
Her mother, deciding that sitting in front of a webcam like some common filthy Bieber was not good enough for her little girl, spent some money and arranged for a company to film a music video and write an original song with her. The resulting shit storm of perfect insanity and disturbingly catchy chorus is something that only happens once every lifetime.
My plan was to parody the song in some way, probably by doing my own take on it and making the already silly lyrics make even less sense.
However it seems that the entire internet had the same idea. Just a month or so after my original plan, there are now thousands of spoof videos, each getting millions of hits each. Some of them are genuinely funny, while others are just lazy, cheap, dull efforts.
Taking cues from my previous Blog entries I was going to change the lyrics to reflect my Blog life thus far. So for example, instead of “Friday, Friday, gotta get down its Friday”, I was going to sing;
But I have now lost the motivation needed to properly execute this plan as I don't want to be just another unoriginal voice amongst the millions currently baying for the blood of a 13 year old child!
The subtle comedy genius of the line “Moths will eat my face!” will now be lost forever.
I don't even want to get into the epicness of the rapping snail scene. That’s just too much of a loss for anyone to take.
|A rapping snail in sunglasses. Yes, this was going to be an actual thing.|
Toppling a Dictatorship
2011 has been the year of the political revolution in those far off dusty places that no one really cares about unless they were once as a filming location in Star Wars.
|No Jawas, no care|
What makes these revolutions so different from others is the inclusion of social media in their process. This managed to peak my interest at the time as I use Facebook around 98% of the day and if you're going to start a war, you may as well get some good publicity and “likes” out of it.
|The MySpace Revolution....|
Sadly, as with my other ideas I left it too long and the whole “Facebook Revolution” has kindda fizzled out or has become bogged down in street fighting. It started well enough in Egypt and for a moment it looked like there could be wide spread changed across the Middle East and Africa. But then the ruling governments stopped spamming pro government links on their Facebook revolution fan page and just kind of started shooting people instead, which takes pretty much all the fun out of it. Once people start getting killed, you may as well go and start using Twitter. It’s pretty much like Facebook, but has all the fun, interesting and useful parts taken out. Much like a modern dictatorship!
It’s a bit of a shame that peace didn't prevail as I had a story planned where I travel to Libya with Charlie Sheen, where he and Gaddafi have a “Winning-off”. Gaddafi is pretty much an older version of Charlie Sheen, so I envisioned it as something similar to how Luke and Vader fought in Star Wars. Each strong in the force and ready to tell anyone who would listen that they were living gods! Such a battle between two men would have probably ripped a whole in the Universe due to its sheer awesomeness.
All opportunities that have now sadly been missed. Though as I write this Gaddafi is still just about hanging in there so perhaps my last entry was just about still culturally relevant.
Now to get onto my Royal Wedding blog entry! Meh, by the time I’m finished it will probably be more suited towards William and Kate's children.