Tuesday, 16 November 2010

Daddy Issues

At some point in your life, you will go from being the child to being the adult in your relationship with your father.  In the past his wisdom, strength and fortitude would provide comfort and confidence, but now only provides confusion and anger.

Learning how to deal with this changing relationship and behaviour is one of the most important relationships a modern man must manage.  Gone are the days when you had to do everything your father told you to as his word was gospel.  Now they are replaced by a series of confusing, angry and desperate pleas for understanding and acceptance in a world that they do not understand.

You will find as you grow older that your father’s insane rants no longer inspire feelings of awe and reverence, more so they now inspire feelings of unease, helplessness and suspect armchair racism.

Simple modern methods and tasks that a four year old could master in a matter of seconds are now sadly beyond the understanding of your father, as he stubbornly clings onto the old way of thinking.

Try as you might to impart your current world wisdom and knowledge, it will be thrown back in your face with accusations of deliberately making things more confusing than they should be, or withholding facts a common occurrences.

There will come a point when much like an lion, head of his pride for so long, now having to fight off younger and stronger challenges, so too your father will attempt to secure his future by going toe to toe with someone many decades younger than him.  This leaves you in the position of having to combat a man who is used to dominating you. 

Your options are either beat up a man pushing retirement age or let him win the argument and accept your position as the beta member of the pack.  Either way you’re not going to be in for much fun as trying to explain to the Police why you beat up a man in his 60’s isn’t going to win you many fans.

Simple arguments and incidents can now turn into a full on war between the generations.  As the following true life example shows...

It was just another normal evening as I relaxed and watched some TV.

Then my father came into the room and spotted something was wrong... So very wrong.

It was at this moment that his sanity snapped.

Picking up the offending cushion he charged me like a demented hippo on acid.

Not sure if what I saw was real or some form of waking nightmare,  I sat motionless in intense confusion.

Not having the same issues, my father continued his charge.

Shit just got real.

Oh my god!  This is real!  He's actually attacking me with a cushion!

But this makes no sense?

Surely this is some sort of joke?

Chances are you will now spend the next 30 minutes just sitting there, not able to move as you try to process the events that have just transpired.   Yes, you were just attacked by an old man doing his best Christian Bale Batman voice impression.

Tuesday, 2 November 2010

Stupid and Obese Animals that Deserve to Die

If you need any further proof that there is no God and that evolution and natural selection are the only true answers in the universe, then you need look no further than the list of pathetically stupid animals below.  Animals so stupid, sad or dickish that they have allowed themselves to be tamed, modified or surpassed on the evolutionary ladder by a house plant.  These animals prove once and for all that there is no God, as any omnipotent being would never create creatures that served little purpose other than to be used as toilet paper by the rest of the planet.

  1. Chickens
I hate chickens.  Sure, they taste really good and are one of the most useful and important animals for humans, but I ask you, what kind of stupid arse bird can’t fly?

A chicken isn’t like other flightless birds such as the ostrich or penguin, both of whom have evolved into animals more akin to a large marsupial or fish, perfect for their environment and a necessity given their harsh conditions.  

But stupid chickens remind me of that morbidly obese fat man that you see waddling about town occasionally.  The lump of lard has allowed himself to get so out of shape and so fat that he can barely walk a few paces without having to stop and gasp for breath.  

Pictured: The Human Chicken.
So too the chicken has allowed its wings to wither away until it can only manage a few feet of flight before crumpling to the floor like a delicious ball of meat and blame everyone else for allowing it to get in this position. 

I mean a flightless bird??  How stupid is that?  That’s like a fish that can’t swim! 

Chickens deserve to be eaten and ridiculed for the simple fact that they suck and I have no respect for them.

  1. Moths
Moths are to flying insects as to being stabbed in the face is to shaving.  Totally over the top, completely unnecessary and not very nice.

A fury ball of evil that has plagued mankind since we lit our first camp fire, the common moth manages to combine everything we hate about insects.  It has the look of a diseased, dead butterfly corpse that has been zombiefied, come back from the dead and wants to eat your brains.  

Braaaaaaaains...  And lightbulbs.  Mainly lightbulbs.
Again, much like the chicken, the moth ranks high on my list due to its innate stupidity and lack of evolutionary intelligence.  Here’s a tip for you dumb-ass, if you see a light and think that maybe the moon suddenly has a twin, is attached to a car, has now moved from the sky to the road and is travelling towards you at 60mph, there’s a good chance that it’s not the moon and is in fact the headlights of a Honda Accord.

You think at some point one of the moths would go off and tell his friends that all the lights they’ve been attracted too over the last couple of thousand years are not the moon, so we should probably ignore them.

  1. Slugs
I mean just look at them!  WHY!!!!!  WHY universe, why??

They look like something that some hack writer came up with when trying to write a crappy sci-fi story.  They’re just a small black bag of puss that slithers around the place being disgusting and stupid.

At least the snail is a home owner.  He has done something with his life, he has contributed to society.  But the slug is the homeless, poor, crack addicted cousin of the snail.  The member of the family that everyone hates but is forced to tolerate.  He will lie to you, steal from you and make a horrible mess on your carpets if you make the mistake of inviting him into your home.

The slug is never going to change.  No matter how many good intentions or help you offer him, he will throw it back in your face and slither away to carry on being a dick.

All these animals need to be wiped out for the sake of humanity.


Mothinug!  An new breed of EVIL!